


Like a Melody In My Head

by waldorph



Series: 2012-2013 Winter Anthology [6]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Blanket Permission, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 11:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waldorph/pseuds/waldorph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not his Jim, but he will have him nonetheless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Melody In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> for **cannedebonbon** who wanted nu!Kirk/Spock!prime. There are hints of eventual/possible aos!Kirk/Spock, and it's more introspective than porny, sorry!

This version of himself does not approve. He comes striding in, arrogant and full of as much bluster as Spock ever had in his youth, and enumerates all the ways in which this is inappropriate. 

Spock listens, and nods, and considers, but he sorry to say that he is wrong. 

"If you do not want him, why do you begrudge me?" he asks his younger self, who glares at him. It was amusing: he looked like their father when he did that. 

There had been no answer.

It is because of the transfer. He knows that he let too much through, but it had been _Jim_ , and he had ached with his grief for so long, his guilt that he had not been able to save Jim after all.

He is perhaps stealing this from himself, but he cannot find it in him to be charitable. Not when Jim comes home to him. Not when he can spread Jim's body beneath him and learn all the ways this Jim is the same, all the ways he is different. 

This Jim likes to be dominated, denied in his pleasure and brought to tears. He likes hands around his neck and stinging slaps. His pleasure mixed with pain, red in the face and ugly, almost, in his desperation. Spock aches for him, and uses the meld to give him what he needs.

There are other ways they are different--his Jim was always so certain, looked for advice and differing views but not for guidance. At the end of the day, both Spock and McCoy and everyone else had known that when James T. Kirk made up his mind, there was little to be done to persuade him otherwise.

And perhaps it is merely youth: this Jim is a decade younger, after all. He is stubborn, but not as steady, and perhaps it is the vantage point of years that makes Spock think he can persuade this Jim. It is possible that this Jim, denied a father figure for so long, relishes having someone he can go to for guidance, for advice. And Spock gives it all readily, sometimes desperately. This is a much-changed world, and Starfleet is only nominally a peacekeeping armada; it is now something more deadly, more advanced even than the time he left in the future. The Federation is on the brink of war; the identity of the enemy is irrelevant; Klingon and Romulan interchangeable. 

There were so many ways that they nearly died in those first voyages, and then evermore after. He guards Jim fiercely, as closely as he can.

It's not the same. It won't ever be. But he has Jim back, in whatever capacity, and he gets to kiss him again and press bruises into his skin, and it's enough. 

It feels like breathing again, or touching down on solid ground with gravity working on you after free-floating. It's like living.

(He will fight with his younger self about this for years, but as long as they are fighting, Spock is comfortable. When his younger self stops calling to tell him how inappropriate will be the day Spock loses Jim to himself.)

**Author's Note:**

>  **Blanket Permission:** go ahead and translate, make podfic, rework the fic, or do whatever other transformative work you can think of. If the work is hosted on another site, drop me a comment or email and I'll put a link in the story notes!
> 
> [twitter:](https://twitter.com/waldorph) for unfiltered me || [tumblr:](http://waldorph.tumblr.com/) less about me, more about the pretty gifsets and art

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Like a Melody In My Head](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11199084) by [Night (Night_Inscriber)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Night_Inscriber/pseuds/Night)




End file.
